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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28917546">Now Parting Draweth Near</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CirrusGrey/pseuds/CirrusGrey'>CirrusGrey</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Magnus Archives (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(Canon-Typical for Martin), Episode Related, Introspection, M/M, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, death mention, episode 191 spoilers, rating is for heavy themes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:20:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,347</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28917546</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CirrusGrey/pseuds/CirrusGrey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>SPOILERS FOR MAG 191!!!</p><p>While Jon sleeps, Martin thinks about their conversation, and the future.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>134</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Now Parting Draweth Near</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>
  <i>All that I loved I love anew,</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Now parting draweth near.</i>
</p><p>~ Walter de la Mare, "The Rapids"</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The way Jon sleeps is hands-down, without a doubt, unambiguously </span>
  <em>
    <span>creepy.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Martin's not sure what it says about him that he's starting to find it endearing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not when it catches him by surprise, of course. Waking up to find his boyfriend staring at him unblinkingly, those deep brown eyes unnervingly focused with no awareness behind them, is not a pleasant experience.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But like this? When Jon has drifted off into a peaceful doze, and Martin can measure the soft rise and fall of his chest while he breathes, even as those same eyes track his every motion? Like this, it stops being a horror-movie jump scare, and just becomes another facet of Jon. Just one more unique oddity to treasure and adore, no matter how weird it is.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's love, plain and simple. It's love, that makes even the supernatural feel familiar and fond, because it is so inherently tied to </span>
  <em>
    <span>someone </span>
  </em>
  <span>he loves.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I would doom the world for you, if you asked it of me,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Martin thinks. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>want </span>
  <em>
    <span>to doom the world for you. But I won't.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>It's not because he thinks Jon would never forgive him. Jon </span>
  <em>
    <span>would,</span>
  </em>
  <span> in a heartbeat, he'd understand if Martin couldn't let him go. But Martin would never be able to forgive </span>
  <em>
    <span>himself,</span>
  </em>
  <span> could never justify sacrificing the world to eternal torment all for the sake of a little more time with the man he loves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Martin does not know of he can live in a world without Jon, but he is absolutely certain that he cannot go on in a world where others are suffering because of him. He'd rather die.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So if it comes down to a choice between saving the world and losing Jon, or failing to save the world and finding some way to take his own life...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well. It's not like they'd get a happy ending together, either way. At least the rest of the world would have a chance at peace.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He settles onto the floor next to where Jon sleeps, careful not to disturb him as he sits down, and brushes his thumb gently over Jon's cheek. Jon's lips part at the touch, a soft sigh escaping him, and his own fingers twitch in an unconscious response.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Martin hopes against hope that they will be able to find a way to simply banish the Fears without destroying them. It is a selfish hope, he knows, but he thinks he's allowed that. It's the only hope he has that Jon will make it through this alright. And the world has survived in that state before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And if they do destroy the Fears completely, eliminate them from existence so that they can never return...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The best case scenario for Jon would be a swift and painless death, but the concept of living without him is so painful that Martin's mind shies away from even considering it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He runs his fingers through Jon's hair, stroking it back from his face, feeling the coarser texture of the greying strands that stand out among the soft brown.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He cannot imagine his life without Jon in it, in some form or another. He tries to picture it, tries to imagine getting a job, a flat, a dog, maybe, but it all stutters to a stop when he thinks about actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>living </span>
  </em>
  <span>that life. He doesn't think he'd be able to do it, to wake up and go to work and come home in the evening, and not be able to share it with Jon. If Jon dies, Martin breaks, and there is no way he can prepare himself for that level of grief so he shoves the possibility to the back of his mind and hopes that Jon will forgive him for hoping it never comes to pass.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hopes Jon will forgive him, because the other possibilities he mentioned sound much worse for Jon, in the long run.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What does losing his identity even mean? The only thing Martin can think is that Jon means he would become like one of the faceless Archivists of the past, wandering the world aimlessly with no god to feed. It's not a pleasant thought, and Martin knows Jon would never wish that for himself. Martin would stay with him, keep him safe from the dangers of the world, even if Jon no longer knew himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If he lost his mind, his memories... both are heartbreaking thoughts, but they are fundamentally human. Amnesiac or insane, at least Jon would still </span>
  <em>
    <span>be here,</span>
  </em>
  <span> and Martin could help him. Could try to make things good for him, make the best of a bad situation. At least they'd be together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He does not want to want that for Jon, and he </span>
  <em>
    <span>doesn't </span>
  </em>
  <span>want it, not really. He wants what's best for Jon, which means he wants whatever fate awaits him to be quick, not long-drawn-out suffering. But what is best for Jon is not what is best for Martin, if the Eye is destroyed, and he cannot help that he wants to cling to whatever shadow or shade of Jon might remain in the saved world, whatever the cost.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jon reaches out in his sleep, fingers curling around the edge of Martin's jumper. He's far more restless here than he was at Salesa's, and Martin is more than a little grateful for it. There had been enough times when he'd woken up to see Jon glassy-eyed and still, and had to shake him awake to reassure himself that it was not too late, that he is very glad to see these signs of life now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The most likely outcome, of course, is that they both die in the attempt to save the world. It's only slightly better than destroying the Fears and facing the consequences, in Martin's opinion, but he is far more prepared for it. Dying, he thinks, will be easy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A knock sounds from the doorway, and Martin looks up just in time to see Georgie poke her head around the frame.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Melanie and I are back, we're ready to ta- </span>
  <em>
    <span>ah!"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The startled cry comes as her eyes land on Jon, and she leans forward, peering at his unresponsive form and open eyes with a disturbed frown.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is he </span>
  <em>
    <span>asleep?"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"He is," Martin confirms, keeping his voice low, though Jon usually sleeps too deep to be woken by background conversation. "He does that, now."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Creepy," Georgie says, and frowns at him for a moment longer before shaking herself. "Anyway. Wake him up and meet us in the other room, Melanie and I are ready to talk about our next steps."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Martin nods and smiles at her, promising to be there in a minute, and tries to ignore the spike of dread those words ignited in him. Jon will want to get moving as soon as they have their plan in place, and then...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then it's a mad rush to save the world, with no time to stop and talk about what might be waiting for them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The conversation they'd had before Jon fell asleep had felt like a goodbye, but Martin hadn't processed how true that was until just now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He closes his eyes, trying to memorize the moment as it stands: the blanket underneath him, the damp chill of the tunnel air, the warmth of Jon sleeping next to him. The sound of his breathing, the beat of his heart when Martin presses a hand to his chest. Even as he does this, he tries not to think about how it's probably the last time he ever will.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then he leans down, pressing his lips to Jon's forehead and shaking his shoulder gently. Jon blinks at him as he comes back to consciousness, eyes unfocusing for a moment before snapping back to clarity.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Martin?" he asks hazily, and Martin aches with how precious, how </span>
  <em>
    <span>fragile,</span>
  </em>
  <span> this little slice of peace is.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Melanie and Georgie are back," he says quietly, and the moment is gone as Jon struggles to sit up, already preparing to throw himself back into the teeth of the unknown. "Come on. They're ready to discuss plans."</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
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